What should you know about attending a funeral?

Arriving at the chapel | Inside the chapel | To the cemetery | At the shiva house

The Jewish funeral ritual is not only a time-honoured tradition designed to take leave of the dead in a sensitive and dignified manner, it is also the foundation on which the process of mourning is built. A chapel service provides the necessary environment for family and friends to share their grief, to confront the realities of death and to celebrate the achievements of life.

Jewish tradition deems attending both the funeral and burial services to be a mitzvah, a religious obligation. For this reason we are required, whenever possible, to accompany the dead to the cemetery and to participate in the burial.

If you are not familiar with Jewish tradition, we hope the following information will make you feel more comfortable as you support your friends at this sad time.

To make a memorial donation. Flowers are generally not part of the Jewish funeral. The method of tribute considered more lasting and meaningful is a contribution to a hospital, hospice, synagogue, or medical research foundation. Check the obituary: "In lieu of flowers please make contributions to..." If in doubt, contact the funeral director to determine whether specific wishes were cited by the mourners.

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ARRIVING AT THE CHAPEL

Parking: The chapel is located at the corner of Washington Street and Chapel Street. When you turn into our lot, you can drop off your passengers right at the chapel door. Our facility is wheelchair accessible. Our doorman will direct you to our upper or lower parking lot. If you will be attending the burial, the parking attendant will provide a funeral sign for the rear view mirror of your car.

If you are a Cohane: We offer a private room for Cohanim, built as an independent structure. With a direct TV connection and speaker system Cohanim can look into the chapel, so you can feel part of the service, while respecting your obligations. The Cohanim room can be reached through the family entrance under the front portico or from the back parking lot and then downstairs.

INSIDE THE CHAPEL FOYER: You enter the chapel foyer from the front of the chapel building (Chapel Street) or from the back parking lot. Washrooms are conveniently located in this area. In the foyer, you will be directed to one of the three register books and then to the Family Room to visit briefly with the family before the service. You will also be given a memorial pamphlet with prayers and a notice of the cemetery and where the shiva will be held.

The kippah, or yarmulke (the skull cap) worn by Jewish men to demonstrate their humility before G-d, is available in the foyer. For women who choose, head covers are available.

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INSIDE THE CHAPEL: When you enter, the casket will be at the front of the chapel, usually attended by a shomer, or guardian (if requested by the family). Some families wish to have a Shomer, the Hebrew word for “guard”, to sit with the deceased until the time of the funeral. The shomer recites psalms and prayers for the deceased.

Public viewing and cosmetization of the body are against Jewish law (there is no equivalent to the Christian wake). The rabbis urge that we remember the deceased as that person was in life. However, the family may desire to view the body privately before the funeral begins since the casket is permanently sealed before the service. Embalming is prohibited in traditional Judaism except when government regulations require it or when the body is to be transported a long distance for burial.

The funeral service: A Jewish funeral service is quite brief, between 30 to 40 minutes. The service is usually officiated by a rabbi or cantor. There are three parts to the service. An opening psalm is chanted by the officiant. The eulogy is then delivered by the rabbi or family and friends. The service concludes with the memorial prayer chanted by the rabbi. The focus of the service is honouring the life of the deceased.

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TO THE CEMETERY

The funeral procession: One of the 613 Mitzvot, or commandments, of Judaism is an obligation to accompany the dead to burial. This not only shows honour and respect for the person who died, but brings comfort and support to the survivors.

After the service, our staff will organize the cortège (procession) of cars, with the hearse, family limousines and rabbi at the lead. Other cars will have had a funeral sign affixed to the rear view mirror when they arrived at the Chapel.

You will be requested to put on your high beams and four-way flashers. If there is a police escort for the cortège, obey the police officers. Should you come to an unsupervised intersection, please proceed with caution. It is legal to proceed, cautiously, through a red light if you are part of a funeral procession.

Directions to Jewish cemeteries
Please click here for a list of cemeteries and directions:

Inside Jewish cemeteries

Graveside: You will be directed by staff where to park your car and how to assemble behind the family limousine (while the family and the casket proceed to the grave), and when to follow the family.

The casket will be lowered into the grave. At the graveside, the rabbi will recite a psalm. Depending on the family wishes, you may be invited to help fill in the grave. The family will recite the Kaddish. The rabbi may make a brief address and the memorial prayer will be recited again.

Leaving the cemetery: After the burial, the family will walk between two lines formed by the community which offers a message of comfort originating in the time of the first and second Temples in Jerusalem: "May you be comforted among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem." At that moment, there is a dramatic shift in attention from the body to the survivors.

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AT THE SHIVA HOUSE

Shiva, a tradition from Biblical times: The term "shiva" is derived from a Hebrew word meaning "seven". It refers to the seven-day period of mourning that takes place following a burial. During this period of time, family members suspend all worldly activities, and devote full attention to remembering and mourning the deceased. "Sitting Shiva" is a very old mourning practice in Judaism. The earliest mention of a seven-day period of mourning occurs in the Book of Genesis, where after Jacob's death, Joseph "made a mourning for his father for seven days" (Bereisheet/Genesis 50:10).

Shiva, a protective embrace: The purpose of shiva is to remind mourners that they are not alone in their grief; that through the ages others have experienced the pain of loss; and that there is a rich legacy of Jewish tradition which exists to offer them comfort and support.

Ritual handwashing: Before you enter the shiva house, you will wash your hands at a small washbasin set up for this purpose, because you have been in the presence of a dead body. This is done to symbolically remove spiritual impurity, not physical uncleanness.

Seven Tips for Seven Days
A guide for shiva visitors

One of the fundamental laws of Judaism is the obligation to bring comfort to mourners. How to bring comfort? The most common way is to visit the shiva house.

But once there, it can be difficult to know how to be a good guest what do you say? What do you do? It is understandable to feel uncomfortable: you want to help; you don't want to intrude, to do "the wrong thing."

From our more than 80 years serving grieving families, we have come up with the following seven tips to make shiva visits more meaningful for the visitor and the mourners alike. We hope you find them helpful.

1. Remember why you are there: It is not always comfortable to pay a shiva visit, but as much as possible leave your own discomfort or anxiety outside. Consider your visit as a genuine, caring act for another human being.

2. Allow mourners the opportunity to express grief: When communicating with mourners, be sensitive that this is their time for dealing with grief. Allow mourners to talk about and express their feelings of loss and the pain of separation from a beloved one. Do not attempt to change the topic or divert mourners from speaking about their painful feelings. If they wish to cry, allow them to do so, and do not attempt to stop tears with statements like, "be strong". Tears are not a sign of weakness; they are simply an indication of grief, and the shiva is the time for grief.

3. Listen: It is helpful for mourners to be able to share their thoughts and feelings. When speaking to mourners, listen completely to what they have to say. Ask questions that will allow them to talk with you about their grief. Be less concerned about giving them advice on what they should be doing. Above all, refrain from utilizing phrases like "time will heal" or "you'll get over it".

4. If you are not certain what to say - be silent: People are often uncertain about what to say to mourners. Jewish tradition encourages that visitors remain silent and wait until the mourner speaks first. Often silence can be very healing and soothing to those in deep emotional pain. Be willing to simply sit in silence, perhaps holding the mourners hand, sharing a smile or simply communicating nonverbally your own concern and caring.

5. A shiva visit is not a social occasion: A shiva visit is not an occasion for socializing. Visit with the mourners, offer your condolences, converse with the family members as appropriate, and prepare to take leave if your presence is no longer necessary for making a minyan or for offering any immediate assistance.

6. Be helpful to the mourners: When you are at a shiva house, be sensitive to what is going on and see if there are ways in which you can offer assistance. Meals will need to be served to the mourners. Children have to be taken care of, or taken to and from school. The mourners may require shopping or other errands.

7. Offer mourners a traditional farewell greeting: Upon leaving a shiva house it is customary to say to mourners: "HaMakom yenachem et'chem b'toch she'ar avelei Tzion vi'Yerushlayim" - "May the Lord comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem."

Shiva reminds mourners that they are not alone in their grief; that through the ages others have experienced the pain of loss; and that there is a rich legacy of Jewish tradition which exists to offer them comfort and support in their time of grief.